A rant on emotion

This week is going to be a bit of a rant.  This therefore comes with a health warning: I am emotional and on a bit of a hair trigger. My boy is pushing me to the limits on a daily basis, I am getting stressed out about Christmas and I am feeling a combination of panic and dread over the need to get moving with getting Scott’s new room and the baby’s room (Scott’s current room) sorted. My sleeping has been very disturbed and patchy and I look and feel old- except for the disgusting spots that I am covered in. They just make me look (and feel) yucky.

This morning, Billy took Scott to the cinema to see Penguins of Madigascar and I stayed home with the intention of being productive. I did some time on my exercise bike while watching The Missing. I am gripped by this show and can’t wait to see how it pans out. However, I didn’t feel great after my bike session, which didn’t make for a productive time afterwards. (I have spared you the spotty selfie this week 🙂 )

So here’s the thing that I have been mega pissed off about this week. Nigel Farage and his comments about breastfeeding. I am incandescent about the constant pressure that is put on women and the constant telling them what to do. How a woman chooses to feed her child seems to be open to so much comment and criticism. Why? Women who bottle feed their baby get it, as do women who breastfeed. Women always have to be made to feel bad about their choices. As ever, UKIP are encouraging a backward step. I think Farage’s comments suggesting that breastfeeding women should cover up are so wrong. I breastfed Scott and for me it was one of the toughest things I’ve done. Those early days in the hospital when I couldn’t get him to feed were horrendous. I felt like a failure and it was just awful. Eventually we got there, but it was not an easy road. There were always questions ranging from how long I intended to keep it up, why I wouldn’t just give him a bottle to whether I was sure he was “getting enough”. I often felt uncomfortable and like Farage suggested, I often felt the need to cover up or go into another room. Now, I am sure this was to do with my own sensibilities as much as anyone else’s, but the point is, this is wrong. And this is where our society is wrong. People do feel awkward and this is what we need to be fighting against. Breastfeeding needs to be normalised. Many women do not want to breastfeed and that is just fine, but I am sure many more women would want to if it was considered normal, if there weren’t obstacles in the way, if it wasn’t made to feel an indignity. The breastfeeding rates in this country are low compared to other countries – particular Nordic countries like Norway and Sweden. If that was through women’s genuine choice and not as a result of pressure, I would be fine with that, but I really believe it is because many women worry about feeding in public, about having to squeeze into a toilet cubicle to feed their child, or just because they are convinced by others that”feeding on demand” is weird and they shouldn’t be so attached to their baby. We need to stop the awkwardness, we need to let women make choices without Farage or worse, other women, making them feel bad. It needs a whole change in outlook, but it would be wonderful if we could get to a point when breastfeeding a baby is just considered normal and unworthy of comment or reaction. With 5 months to go, I am feeling anxious about the breastfeeding process again. Ultimately, I am glad that I breastfed Scott, but I am hoping that second time round things go more smoothly and I hope that if things do work out that I have the courage in my convictions to do what feels right for me, without feeling bad about it.

In other baby related news, I am starting to get some more definite movement. This is mainly at night time when I am trying to sleep! I often feel like I have a hard lump of rocks pressed right up against my stomach and can feel the rock hard bulge so it is hard to believe that baby is still so small. I am looking forward to letting Scott feel the wee one moving. At the moment I am struggling to get him to realise that he needs to stop jumping on me. I took him swimming yesterday and he still thinks I am a walking trampoline.

18 weeks 5 days. To be fair, I am feeling quite squidgy at the moment:

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We put our Christmas tree up today so hoping to start feeling festive! I am trying to keep track of all Scott’s Christmas engagements and all the things he needs to take to nursery etc. I don’t know how mums of many cope! I know I am going to be sad this week as I miss Scott’s nativity and hope I can make it through in a stoic fashion.

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