This week has been bad. I have got myself into a total funk and can’t wait for this month to be over. Morning sickness has resumed again and it is really getting me down. Fortunately it is just “in the morning” this time and the fog is generally clearing between 9am and 10am. However, I feel miserable going out the door in the morning at 7.50 and the thought of likely not being home till 6pm makes me want to crawl right back into bed and hibernate. I am starting to think that the whole idea of confinement in pregnancy may not be a bad thing. I am horrendously busy at work, in accordance with the November curse, and am dreading the 30 Extended Essays that I will need to wade through next week.
I have also been feeling terrible about the prospect of missing all the key dates that we were presented with in Scott’s newsletter from nursery this week. I will miss his Christmas party and the visit from Santa and his nativity play which I am really upset about. I know he will not be bothered, but I feel rubbish about not being there to see him on stage. Everyone will be there but his own mummy and I have tears in my eyes every time I think about it. Being a mum can feel so cruel. The feeling of never being able to keep all the balls going is constant and there is always someone or something ready to remind me. I am also managing to miss out on his Parents Evening because as luck would have it, I have one of my own on the very same night.
My self appointed title of Crap Mum of the Week award was cemented after a horrendous Saturday with Scott. His behaviour was appalling at Mini Kickers and I ended up outside in tears with him. Maybe it is hormones or just the feeling of helplessness that I don’t know how to deal with his behaviour. I worry so much for him in case he gets labelled as a “bad boy” and being a teacher makes me fully aware of all the syndromes that could end up attached to him. This behaviour obviously had to be met with consequences, so our swimming trip was cancelled and he spent most of the rest of the day indoors. On days like this, I definitely question why I decided I could cope with two children! I wish I had the answers and knew what to do for the best. I wish I knew that working full time and running off and leaving Scott and missing so much wasn’t damaging him.
Towards the end of the day, I took Scott out for a walk to the burn and he seemed so small and vulnerable again. He kept taking my hand because he was a bit scared as the sun was going down and he has a head full of witches. I know that little hand won’t fit in mine for much longer and I so hope that he takes the right path.
Next week has to be better!